If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ve probably seen post about Rachael’s birth and my subsequent life-altering complications. If not, you should go check it out to get the back story on this post.
Here’s a little extra background – bear with me, then we’ll get to the heart of this post. In October, 2009, once I completed the medication regimen after Rachael’s birth, I saw my internal medicine specialist for a follow up to determine what my actual medical diagnosis is. The results indicate I have Protein S and Protein C disorders along with mild Lupus Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. Basically, I have a clotting disorder. The proteins do not function properly and “turn off” the clotting mechanism once clotting is no longer needed. This condition is exacerbated by pregnancy, though it is typically treatable, however, my body decided that it would only respond to treatment during the pregnancies and NOT immediately after childbirth, resulting in life threatening clots and other complications.
So, how does this tie into contentment…
Since then, I have been told by more than one doctor, that doing this again (giving birth) could cost my life. Now, I’m no dummy and I completely understand the magnitude of that statement. But, 18 months later, I’m still a confused mess.
My problem lies in not being able to distinguish, whether my motives for wanting/needing another child (through adoption) are completely selfish, simply part of the instinct that God instilled in women to desire children/motherhood or if God is working this desire into something tangible.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I am incredibly grateful that God has chosen us to be the parents of the three perfect children we do have and I do truly understand how blessed I am. But what if we are suppose to have more?
Being told that I can’t have any other biological children wasn’t in my plan (it’s OK to laugh… I know how silly it is that I wanted to make my own plans). This is not about me. It’s about Him and doing His will, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or how much it turns my world upside down.
Recently, I have felt led to research and pray about adoption (both domestic and international) and child sponsorship (through Compassion International).
It has been incredibly eye opening and convicting at the same time.
I have definitely seen my desire shift from needing a baby for very obviously selfish reasons, to desiring a young child (not a baby). I am slowly seeing certain situations being marked off, however, I’m definitely sensing WAIT.
And wait I will. Michael being so far away is making the waiting a little easier. I can’t easily talk to him about all that is going on in my heart (Skype and phone time are usually consumed with discussing the “business” items of the family/household and then the kids have time with daddy and it’s too lengthy to effectively discuss by email) and I know that God’s timing is always perfect, so I know that there’s a reason for this all to be happening at this exact time.
God has been really turning my heart upside down and inside out and every which way. It’s quite unsettling, but comforting at the same time.
Following is a portion of scripture that has really captivated me during this time.
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act…” Psalm 34:4-7a NLT
I love trusting in the knowledge that I serve a sovereign God and He has it all figured out!